The Day I Found Out

This post was originally written on July 19, 2010.

I found out this morning that I am pregnant.

Wow, what a strange whirlwind is twistily and turnily winding its way through me.

We’re going to have a baby! I’m going to be a mom!

It’s now been almost four hours since I got the results of the home pregnancy test. Since that time I’ve gotten ready for work, kept the news from Michael (whilst killing me softly – his line: “Why are you in such a good mood this morning?”Indeed, it was impossible for me to adopt my normal Monday grumpelstiltskins demeanor), and worked almost three hours. Every thirty seconds or so I get the giggles, or the overwhelm-eds, or the smilies. So far I feel I’ve been successful at hiding them.

We’re going to be parents! There is a living being growing inside me – half Michael, half me (please, God, let him get my childhood temperament and his bowels! Don’t make me tell you about the time Michael shot the TV with a beebee gun as a kid!)!

We’re just so lucky. I know this. I know there are people out there who suffer with infertility, and I in no way want this to be salt in the wound to them… But here is why I feel so lucky.

Michael and I were trying, if you’re wondering. We decided that we would wait until after the cruise to try (no one wants to be pregnant on a cruise – hello wines, soft foreign cheeses, riding donkeys, plus the threat of seasickness, no one wants to add morning sickness to that!). So when we were on the cruise, we decided to go ahead and try. If I got pregnant while I was there, it would be too early for the pregnancy to be affected by a glass of wine or two a night. We’re so very blessed. We conceived the first month we tried.

I’ve got so many different emotions coursing through me.

Joy. Joy joy joy. The happiness that we’re starting a little family. The love that we’ve created a life out of the love we feel for each other. The joy of every future moment to come. I’m so full of love right now I feel like it might boil over, like somehow it might not be

Eager anticipation. I can’t wait for it all. Every check up, every month to pass that will bring us closer to meeting the little one. A baby! I still can’t believe it! And then, when the babe is here! I can’t contain it! I can’t wait to tell our families, tell our friends. I can’t wait to see the ultrasounds and nest and prepare. I can’t wait to hold him or her the first time, breast feed the first time, look into those eyes for the first time.

Caution. I’ve heard too many stories of womens’ hearts breaking over a lost pregnancy. I’m praying, praying for a healthy and happy nine months, and a baby that sticks.

Fear. This mostly stems from the other recent news that I will soon be laid off/resigning from my job. In some ways I wonder if this is bad timing. For me to be losing my insurance, to be losing my paycheck without any promise of getting those back? To have a baby which is, let’s face it, a very expensive process, just as we face transitioning into a one-income household? Yes, I do have some fear.

Relief. I know this sounds ridiculous, but I think a lot of women might be able to relate. I’ve had a strange, small fear of being infertile all my life. I think it’s because of how deeply I want to be a mother that I always feared I would be unable to become one. Unfortunately, it is in me to worry about things I can’t control, so I worried that I would be unable to have kids. I worried that we would try and try, and get sadder and sadder, and it would put more and more pressure on our relationship. I’m just so relieved and thankful that we got pregnant when we wanted to.

Thankful. I know we’ve been blessed with more than our share of good fortune.

Disbelief. In a way it all feels very surreal. Even seeing those lines turn up on the pregnancy test seemed unreal, and trust me, those lines came in very clear!

I woke up knowing I’d be taking a pregnancy test with my FMU (first morning urine) because it’s supposed to be the most reliable. I didn’t even bother getting the instructions out because I knew what a positive looked like and what a negative looked like. I told myself I wasn’t going to look at the results “window” until the full suggested two minutes had passed, but as soon as I was done peeing on the stick (sorry if that’s TMI), the lines started showing up. I was transfixed. I couldn’t put it down now! The very future was being determined in the form of a little blue line that might or might not appear!

And appear it did. Immediately and in no uncertain terms. No faint lines. No taking pictures and sending them to my friends asking if they please, please do see a line? That’s when I started shaking. I tore open the instructions to make sure I wasn’t delusional. I set the stick down and stared intently at it, willing it to show me its secrets. “Are you sure?” I asked it. “Don’t you lie to me!” My face crumpled into an unattractive mask of joy crying, but then I composed myself enough to sit on the edge of the bathtub. Do I tell Michael when he gets back from the gym? Do I wait til he’s showered and ready for work? But then we wouldn’t be able to celebrate because we’d both have to leave soon! And remember that time he said he’d kinda like to be surprised by the news? How am I supposed to hide this from him for forty whole minutes?!?! In eight months we’ll have a baby! My face crumpled again.

Throughout the morning I kept checking the test again. I took a picture of it for posterity. Then I took a picture of it next to the instructions so I could check later and make sure I wasn’t just seeing things at 5:45 am.



If there are any TTCers out there, or people who use NFPing or charting, here was my information this cycle. I O’d on CD 20, tested on 12DPO and got a positive.