Soccer Soliloquy

I was invited by some friends to join a co-ed adult soccer team that plays games on Tuesday nights. I wasn't supposed to go last night because I was going to be out of town in Washington DC. Because of a freak case of the flurries, all travel into DC was cancelled and my trip was called off. So I was available to go. Except:

a. It was a 40 minute drive away

b. It was cold outside

c. Lost was on tv last night

d. I have to pay $45 to join the league

e. I worked a long day at a work event standing up for hours in heels

f. I was nervous about not being good enough since a friend told me the team is awesome

g. One friend couldn't make it, so I'd only know one person there

h. Usually when you enter a team as a 'free agent' like I did, you get put on the sidelines while all of the friends in the central core of the team get played. I didn't want to pay the money, drive out there and miss out on sweatpants-wearing just to sit on the sidelines

Do you see that?! An alphabetical list up to "h" of why I shouldn't have gone!

Reasons I should have gone:
a. Exercise
b. I told my friends I would
c. I wouldn't know if object 'h' in the previous list would happen unless I actually went out there and checked it out
d. I love soccer

Let me take a minute to tell you why I love soccer.

Soccer was my first true love. And let me tell you, soccer is one fickle lover. Out-of-town tournaments while staying in a hotel room with friends. Scoring the game winning goal. The sound of the whistle ending the game after holding off a team while you’re up 2-1. These were the times when soccer and I were madly in love. There were also times when soccer wasn’t so good to me. Going to Club practice after finishing a two-hour high school track workout. Missing a free kick. Saying goodbye to one team when I left to join another one.

I feel that there are not enough opportunities in life to experience glory. We read books with enchanting tales of sacrifice, war, adventure, clashing forces and victory. Growing up, by day I was a quiet and well-behaved student and daughter. By night I was a wild and powerful competitor with only my skills and muscles as my swords, and a pair of tiny shin pads as my armor. It comes down to what one team is physically capable of against the abilities of the foe. And when it’s a one-on-one, or a race down the sideline after a free ball, it is the strengths of your body and mind against those of another person. I know that it sounds silly, and that my imagination runs away with me, but soccer was and still is my chance to go to battle and feel the rush of the glory of victory, or the clammy grip of the agony of defeat. There have been times where my team was dressed in our whites, and the other team was all in black, and I was convinced that we were about to engage in a ninety minute battle to tip the scales of good versus evil.

Don’t believe that soccer can make you feel all this? Don’t believe that after an hour and a half of exerting yourself in every way imaginable can leave you emotionally bared? What else could inspire such raw emotions as these?

I fell in love with soccer over the course of fourteen years. We had a bitter falling out over the course of a year and a half. The sport lost its beauty at that time. The battle wasn’t between me and another girl or another team, the battle was between me and a coach and between me and myself. Soccer was no longer about the glory of the game; it was about “What am I doing wrong?” “What can I possibly do right?” “When will I get a chance?” and the knowledge that if you make one mistake you’ll pay for it in lingering ways. Soccer was now insecurity and doubt and favoritism. It was study hall and politics and how many extra hours you spent socializing with coach in his office. When I played, I couldn’t find a satisfactory contradiction in the girl standing before me. I was too terrified of my real foe on the sidelines.

Last night I went and I played. It was cold outside. I pulled out these old friends for another go.

And was left with knees that looked like this: (from a rather aggressive fall) SIDE NOTE: Don't my legs look unnaturally bendy?

I think I played well enough not to be considered completely useless to the male members of the team. (Truly, when playing with the uber-competitive menfolk, this is all you can really ask for). This leads me to a closing thought, one I discussed with my mom both pre- and post-game yesterday. Simply by doing you experience. By not doing, you can never know what could have or might have happened. I really do believe in that saying that you more often regret what you didn’t do than what you did.

And while I might not have experienced quite the level of exhilaration as I once had while playing a championship game, it was still lovely getting to play. It was like a night of catching up with an old friend. I think I’ll do it again.