Friday, December 14, 2012

Grief

No words I can say can make my thoughts and feelings coherent. Nothing I type will contribute to the nation-wide conversation of WHYWHYWHY? that we're all thinking and feeling.

I'm so very sad for those families in Connecticut. After a day of feeling totally numb (denial), it was on the drive home that I finally just started crying and couldn't stop. I was driving home to get my child. Just like all of those parents thought they'd be doing tonight. What would that drive home feel like if I'd gotten a call from the school or from the police? What would it feel like to walk up to my child's school, searching, searching for her. And finding her, Dear God, finding her. Or not finding her.

I'm sorry, I'm crying again. Shouldn't do this to myself, should eat ice cream and watch Love Actually and enjoy a Friday evening.

The conversations on Facebook and Twitter are happening at a dizzying rate. Blame guns, blame lack of access to mental health care, blame media, blame "removing God from schools." (That last one makes me sick to my stomach.)

What is happening out there? (anger) I feel like I just wrote a blog about the Colorado shooting, just wrote a blog about Gabby Giffords' shooting. My children will grow up in an age where mass killings occur. Where it is shocking but not totally unusual. Where one happens every 6 months? Is violence increasing or does it just feel that way? I keep thinking about what it is bullets actually do...they just tear through you, they just kill, that's all they were intended to do. It's just so messed up.

I just don't feel like there's an answer. (despair) We can't fix this. Gun control laws can lessen the chance that mentally ill people get ahold of guns, but it won't end all violence. Even if mental health care was free and available on a same-day-as-requested basis, there are plenty of people who deny that they want or need it. I don't think this is going to be fixed and I don't know what to do. Move to New Zealand? (bargaining)

The poor girls at daycare had to awkwardly witness me crying when I picked June up today. Maybe I wasn't the only one? June smiled and wanted to go on a walk in her "car" (stroller), then wanted to walk and push her car. Then wanted "dinner? Dinner?" She got so mad when I wouldn't let her bring this little battery-powered toy into the bathtub. But I was so patient, more patient than I've ever been before, more patient than anyone on the earth has ever been before, because thank God I had my little perfect girl here in the tub. A lot of people don't have as much tonight.

(acceptance)...I'm not there yet.

2 comments:

  1. Julie I can totally relate. I was at first in shock or denial, then I sobbed through my kids entire lunch and my patience with them has be amazing. I think Joey is starting to think I am hug and kiss happy today, but I don't care. I am so speechless today...you are a good momma!

    ReplyDelete
  2. I know.... ugh! I know! My heart still aches for all the families left behind. I saw some brash rude comments from young people who obviously didnt have kids and that made me so sad.... being a parent just changes the heart of the emotion. I couldn't watch much of the news coverage, I had to limit myself to little incriments at a time... my heart just couldn't take it. those mommies and daddies.... ugh! How their hearts must ache. Lots of tears and prayers for those families.

    ReplyDelete