Saturday, November 12, 2011

With What the Road to Hell is Paved

I took June to the library last week so that she could be introduced to that musty, magical building full of adventures.

I read this blog that was titled "What Your Favorite Disney Movie Says about You." Though the whole thing is silly, I did like the description of Beauty and the Beast because of how true it is:

"Some people have porn, you have that scene where Beast reveals to Belle the library that he is now giving over to her, as he knows it’s what she would love more than anything in the world. No human being will ever romantically live up to you in your life now, as no one will be able to present you with an 8,000 square-foot Baroque library in the middle of a French castle to use at your discretion."

I remember seeing this meme one time of a picture of Belle with some kind of phrase over it about how "reading is hot" or something. DO NOT GOOGLE IMAGE "Belle reading is hot"... JUST DON'T DO IT. I have accidentally seen about 8 penises today, folks. But then searching for "Belle Bookworm" also came up with penises? So maybe we just don't search with Google that much anymore. (Penis count up to 15.)

I got a new book on tape at the library, Anna Karenina. I've never read any Tolstoy but I read the plot and headed to the checkout counter, also carrying a copy of Mommy Calls Me Monkeypants for the Junebug (it's a page turner!). It turns out that this isn't exactly a direct reading of Anna Karenina, it's more of a...I don't know, a theatrical portrayal of it? Kind of like you're listening to a recorded play. It's really weird because there are several times where you hear utensils against dishes and I can only guess that I'm supposed to assume they're at dinner? No one every said they were at a dinner, and the scenes just kind of start and stop without warning, fading away with sound bites (train whistles, crickets chirping) or classical music.

Anyway, June and I were in the car together on a half hour drive and I figured I could listen to my book on tape. What better time to expose one's child to the classics than the present?! Think of how her vocabulary will be affected! Maybe "acquiescence" or "heretofore" will be her first word!

But then the romance scene started. Maybe I would have felt differently if it had been an actual reading of the novel... "Vronsky kissed Anna passionately..." wouldn't be so bad to listen to with your 7 month old baby in the back seat. However, theatrical portrayal version of book on tape instead included sound effects. By that I mean slurping sounds, moans, sighs, gasps, shrieks and the like. A solid 15 seconds of sex noises with not a single word of narration (besides "Oh Anna!").

I had to turn it off. Prude as it may seem, I just couldn't listen to literary orgasms while my baby was babbling in the back seat. Guess she'll have to wait a few more years for the classics.

No comments:

Post a Comment